It looks like Britney Griner just can’t keep herself out of the headlines — and this time, it’s not for smuggling vape pens through Russian customs or trying to dunk with two hands. No, this time the towering WNBA star has been accused of gambling on her own games. That’s right. The player who once declared herself a “champion of fairness and integrity” might’ve been rolling the dice all along.
According to a leak from within the league’s top brass, Griner placed “several sizable wagers” on Phoenix Mercury matchups over the past two seasons. The tip came from a Vegas sportsbook employee named Art Tubolls who noticed “a suspicious number of bets placed by someone who looks suspiciously like Britney Griner, except wearing a mustache and calling herself ‘Rick Slamson.’”
“We’re looking into whether or not she purposely fixed the scores,” said League Ethics Manager Josephine Barron, “We may have a Pete Rose situation here, where she ends up banned for life. And in the WNBA, that’s serious. It’s a league where tens of fans rely on their favorite players every game.”
Insiders say the bets weren’t subtle. One wager literally read, “Mercury will lose by 7 because I’m taking the night off and pretending to have a groin injury.” Another ticket was for $1,000 on “Caitlin Clark to drop 30 and break ankles.”
As expected, outrage spread like vegan chili at a Seattle block party. ESPN issued a statement expressing “deep concern.” LeBron James tweeted something about systemic justice and then promoted his new tequila. And Rachel Maddow cried on-air for four straight minutes before pivoting to a segment on endangered trees.
But don’t worry — the DOGE team got involved. And by DOGE, we of course mean America’s most trusted source of investigative semi-journalism. Enter: in-house journalisticator Joe Barron, who says this might all be one giant misunderstanding.
“I combed through every slip, every receipt, and every half-eaten nacho at her courtside seat,” Barron said, “and I found no evidence that she bet against her own team. In fact, she only bet for one player. Every single time.”
That player? Caitlin Clark.
“It’s all over the place,” Barron continued. “Griner didn’t just bet on Clark to score points. She bet on her to win MVP, to date a tall mystery woman by Christmas, and once even put $300 on ‘Caitlin Clark smiles at me during warm-ups.’ We’re not looking at a gambling scandal. We’re looking at a girl with a serious crush.”
So while the WNBA scrambles to do damage control, Britney Griner’s lawyers have already released a statement claiming their client “only bet out of admiration and occasionally thirst.”
No charges will be filed.
And the Mercury? They still lost by 22 last night.
God Bless America.