Hi, this is a throwaway. My boyfriend drove me (20f) home after we were at a bar together for a little bit and he didn’t drink. It ended up being a blur after I started drinking and I got tired and dizzy and he refilled me once and I didn’t drink too much and I don’t remember much. When we got home, I jumped to my bed and was falling asleep and I was so out of it but he took me to the shower and he washed everywhere on my body, and he faced me down on the bed and I was feeling so confused and he grabbed my hips and started pushing it into me there and said the time feels right to try this and I told him no and rolled away and then I just fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning and my boyfriend was already awake and he had made me breakfast. My anal area felt sore and painful and my underwear had a dried stain on it. And I thought back and then I kind of had a blurry memory of being half-awake and he was on top of me and I was in pain and I remembered feeling and seeing him holding my hips down and moving and it was hurting but I didn’t really remember it well.

I went over to him and asked him if we had sex and he told me that I woke up and woke him up and told him that I wanted to try it and I finally felt ready with him, and that he prepared me and I lost my anal virginity with him.

But I don’t remember that and I told him I don’t remember it and he was like confused because he said that I was the one that asked him and that I was really enjoying it and that I fell asleep afterwards. But I told him I just remembered saying no before we went to sleep? and I was just trying to piece together what happened and i was crying because I didn’t think it would be like this.

He just kept telling me that it was special because I was really enjoying it and he told me that I told him that I wanted to do it often because it felt so good while we were doing it and he was saying that we did it already and we should do it again and kept trying to pressure me and I told him no and since then I still haven’t been intimate with him and he was getting upset and I felt off in our relationship and was just out of it and now I’m thinking we need a break at least or maybe we should part ways but I live with him and I don’t earn too much. If I was the one that told him we can finally do it then I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for feeling like we need a break over this and I didn’t want my first time doing it to be like this and I feel so different now. AITA if I take a break from this relationship or if I break up with him?