I (27f) have been dating James (29m) for six months. I’ve met his brother and parents very briefly once before this incident but last weekend was the first time we were attending an event together. It was a family barbecue.

I brought a bottle of wine, dressed nice, etc., and we drove out to his family home. I thought the day was going well – everyone was polite and having fun.

But I was not enjoying the food, and while I obviously wasn’t going to say anything, I didn’t end up eating much. I’m just picky, I guess. I was, however, helping out and talking to people.

James’s mum noticed I wasn’t eating much and kept trying to feed me, which I kept politely declining. She was getting kind of loud and whiny about it which I didn’t appreciate because it felt like she was trying to shame me into eating. I started getting a bit firmer with my refusal and she started getting visibly annoyed.

Eventually when I went inside to the bathroom, she cornered me. She brought up a couple of “small things” she’d noticed throughout the day, like that I didn’t interact with the children a lot, I looked “annoyed” throughout the day (I have an rbf), and that I didn’t eat a lot. She said she just wanted to raise these things now as James really liked me and I needed to make more of an effort to get her “seal of approval”. She said it jokingly and maybe she was joking but it came off passive aggressive. I was honest with her and said I wasn’t worried about her approving of me, and while I had a lot of respect for her and her family, whether they liked me was their business, not really my concern and I was happy with how I conducted myself. She looked pretty confused by this but before she said anything else other people came inside and that was the end of the conversation.

I didn’t mention the conversation to James because I didn’t want to embarrass him or his mum, and I figured she wouldn’t either. But she did. She called him the next day and told him the story, and said I was arrogant and not family oriented. I said to James that it was a bit ironic coming from someone who thought so much of their own opinion. I told him I wanted to make a good impression, but I was never going to be the girl to twist myself into a pretzel for his mum, and if he liked me how I was that was what I cared about. James was very noncommittal about taking sides but said while his mum was wrong to bring issues to me like that, it’s normal for a girlfriend to try a bit harder with a MIL and that my brush off made her feel unimportant and like I looked down on her. He said he’d really appreciate it if I would contact her and apologise and so far I’ve refused, which he says will make things awkward in the future.

But I don’t think I owe her an apology for being honest and redressing a power dynamic that she had created in her own head, after she was incredibly pushy and patronising. I think if we met again and she treated me as an equal, not a girl auditioning for her family, then it wouldn’t be awkward at all.

But did I go overboard?