I have Lupus SLE, diagnosed 5 years ago. I have other illnesses as well but nobody wants to hear the laundry list, lol. Anyway it’s the Lupus that sometimes gets my ass bed bound for long stretches of time so that’s the one that’s the most relevant.

I’ve been married to Peter since 2017 and I really thought he was the love of my life and everything about this sucks so much, it’s hard for me to write about this. I haven’t been lucky in life and really thought this was me finally getting rewarded for trying my hardest to be a good person. I know sometimes I get it wrong.

Last year when I was in the middle of one of the worst flares I’ve had so far, down for the count for about 2 months straight, Peter decided to fuck a barista. We didn’t have sex for 5 months before this because honestly it’s hard for me at this point. And I haven’t been able to orgasm for years.

The girl he slept with told me because he was dumb enough to tell her about me being sick after they slept together. So she didn’t know before, but she found out, was disgusted, found me on FB and told me everything. Thanks if you’re out there Mandy

I really thought that I was lucky enough to find one of the good ones. He was always so supportive and so good to me and the kids. The hardest part of all of this has been letting go of the illusion of it all. I’m sure there were signs that I didn’t see because I spent my energy being there for my kids and trying to be a good wife.

He didn’t deny it. Ultimately I knew in my heart that this meant he didn’t love me, he hated me. So I told him either he leaves or I leave. Not long after he had his mom come see the kids to check on everything and she started telling me that I’m being stupid, that I shouldn’t break up an otherwise happy family over one or two little indiscretions. She told me that Peter’s dad cheated on her but she knew she had to keep the family together so she accepted it and that’s what I should do too for the good of the children.

My own mother said essentially the same things and told me what a fool I am. She said that Peter has always been there for the kids, he has taken care of them when I’ve been sick, that he always changed diapers, watched them so I could have alone time, helped them with school work, showed up, actually knows them. And that maybe it will take time but she is sure I can move past it. I asked her if dad cheated on her and I couldn’t stop crying when she told me that he did. How can they do it? How can these people hate us so much. I don’t get how you can hurt someone to the point that they wish they were dead and lie and say you love them.

I know that my kids will choose to live with their Dad because he is a wonderful dad. They will never know that he hates them so much he chose to ruin their family because I would never tell them that. I was lucky enough to still be healthy when they were little and I’ll always cherish that time. I can’t take care of them on my own. So it’s either him or me.

He swears up and down that he’s sorry, he loves me, and that he would never do it again, we could go to counseling, it was a mistake and all the other lines they use to try to confuse us. He’s been trying to prove how sorry he is for months. It makes me sick. So he hates me but suddenly he loves me. Right. But at this point I have decided that I am going to leave it all behind and move to California. They will all be happier without me and I will just be the disgusting sick useless body he couldn’t get rid of fast enough. Hell I’m sure he’ll tell the next wife that I’m dead.

My mom and his mom are so mad at me for this. He said he doesn’t want to just have custody of the kids and can’t do it alone. Then telling me that I’m being crazy and that I’m blowing up a family over something small and insignificant. I told them, how does finding out that your husband HATES you, finds you repulsive and disgusting and want to hurt you so badly, rip out your heart and stomp on it. How is that insignificant? They said there’s always counseling and we can work through it. But how can you work through someone hating you so much they would purposely go out of their way to completely destroy you, your life, your heart, everything? I don’t think you can. Well give it to me, am I the asshole for leaving them all?

I’m editing this because you guys are telling me not to “abandon” my kids. First off phones, computers, and planes exist so please stop acting like I’m just erasing them from my life if I do that. Yes there will still be hurt and I get that.

But choices are to LEAVE or STAY. I can’t afford to live here without a salary, I can’t afford to live on my own on top of paying for the kids. Leaving to California is the only option where I have somewhere to stay with someone who cares about me and will help me. If I stay here I have to stay with him there is no where else for me to go. I’m not arguing with anyone calling me the asshole but I do want it to be clear.