I (33F) was sharing a Reddit story with my partner (32M) about a teacher who realized there were cameras in her home after a student mentioned too many personal details for it to be a coincidence.

I mentioned many theories from the comments and theories of my own. Eventually I mentioned the husband as a person of interest in this Reddit “investigation” and this bothered him. He said that it was wrong for me to “immediately” suspect the husband.

I told him that once the suspect pool is narrowed down to trusted people in the inner circle that would have had access to her smoke alarms, it would be unreasonable to not investigate a person in that inner circle just because you don’t believe or WANT to believe they would do that.

He pulled a “I hope you wouldn’t suspect me if something suspicious ever happened” … to which I shrugged and told him I didn’t have to suspect it, to investigate it enough to rule him out. This apparently hurt his feelings. I tried to explain that since so many terrible crimes like child sexual abuse, exploitation of various sorts, and the murder of women and girls are ALL most likely to be committed by trusted family and partners in their own home, it would not only be completely illogical but also very dangerous to turn a blind eye to him and not even consider it a possibility. I reminded him that I checked my drink after my own dad handed it to me once because it was the first time he ever had bought me one, and he was being (at the time) uncharacteristically nice (the drink was fine). But he didn’t want to hear any of that- he just wanted an apology for hurting fr his feelings.

This is where I may be the asshole. I wouldn’t give him one. I told him that I wasn’t sorry and I wasn’t going to pretend to be sorry. He got very mad that I wouldn’t apologize. I told him that if it bothered him that I might want to “rule him out” in that kind of situation as a suspect for my safety and peace of mind, … if that hurt his feelings… that he should talk to his therapist about it (when he gets one) instead of demanding a disingenuous apology from me. To make it fair I said I would talk to my therapist about my paranoia and refusal to apologize too (lol when I get one) since maybe the problem is me.

When I was young and learned the statistics I mentioned above as well as the tendency for people to blindly trust and ignore terrible things when the perpetrator is their partner or family, I swore that would never be me. I feel like this is baked into my moral code. So his request for me to essentially let him be a blind spot felt like he was asking me to preemptively violate my morals for him.

It’s not like I think he would do me wrong like that but nobody does. I’m sure Giselle petticoat never thought her husband would do the shit he did either.

Sure maybe i might be paranoid. I do the fingernail check on every public restroom mirror and do a quick sweep for cameras . I don’t accept drinks I didn’t see the bartender open from anyone (except my dad that one time). And I never leave vulnerable people like kids or drunks alone with anyone without checking on them very regularly to make sure there’s no funny business. This “paranoia” and unwillingness to turn a blind eye to anyone has caused occasional drama in my life. But it had also contributed to at least one arrest, and saved at least one life. That makes it worth the anxiety and drama to me.

But my refusal to apologize for him not being exempt from this made him feel like I don’t trust him, and that I’m dismissive of his feelings, and don’t care that I hurt him. And to be honest, it was dismissive. It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t feel like theres anything I can genuinely do about it. other than apologizing, but it wouldn’t be genuine.

So Reddit AITA for not apologizing.

TLDR: when my partner asked if I would consider him a suspect if something creepy weird came to light and there were no other explanation, I said I would at least investigate enough to rule him out. This hurt his feelings. He wanted an apology for hurting his feelings. Instead, I told him he should talk to a therapist to address why that hurt his feelings, because I felt my honest response was the only logical one.