This argument started three weeks ago. But I need to go back to a little over a month ago for context. My dad called me (19f) and asked if I’d go out for lunch with him because we needed to talk. I agreed and we went somewhere private and had lunch just the two of us.

While we were there he asked me how I felt about his wife and whether I loved her and what she was to me, from my perspective and then he gave examples of second mom, mom figure, best friend or special adult. I asked why he was asking the questions and he told me it was homework the marriage counselor set for him and he told me the answers were important.

He said his wife was feeling like she was only in my life because they were married and that I didn’t care for her much either way. I told him she was right.

That I didn’t love her or see her as any of the things he mentioned. I said the most I could say was she was his wife and I respected that he loved and wanted her so I accepted her for that.

He told me that didn’t mean I didn’t love her though and he asked me a bunch of questions about if he died, they divorced, if they were both elderly and needed care and my half siblings couldn’t do it all or if they both needed care and my half siblings were too young to care for them would I care for her like I would for him. I told him if they divorce I wouldn’t stay in touch with her and it would be the same if he died. I told him I’d take care of him. That I loved him. That he gave me a good life. But I wouldn’t do the same for her. I tried to insist that the questions stop there but they didn’t. He wanted to know if I didn’t love her at least like someone I’m very close to and I told him no and I said I’m not very close to her. He said he didn’t think 12 was too old to form a close bond with a stepparent and I told him maybe not for some, but for me it was. He asked me if I hadn’t wanted him find someone to love who could be a maternal figure for me.

I told him honestly that I believed him when he swore for years after mom died that there’d never be someone else. That I wasn’t mad about it not being true, but he blindsided me when he told me at 12 he’d fallen in love and was getting married again. I told him I was 10 or 11 maybe when he last said there’d never be another after mom and I believed him.

A couple of weeks after that my dad told me I needed to join in the marriage counseling sessions because his wife was feeling like shit and we needed to all come together and find a way forward where she felt loved and wanted by me. He said he was worried his marriage would end if we didn’t figure it out. I told him I wasn’t joining their marriage counseling and that it had nothing to do with me. He told me it had everything to do with me because she didn’t want to stay married if she was merely tolerated by me. He said we needed to figure it out as a family and he told me if I don’t go it might break his wife’s heart enough that the marriage ends now. But I put my foot down and said no again. He’s asked me every week since and my answer hasn’t changed. He said his wife broke down at their last session and said she didn’t want to have a family that wasn’t whole and that the counselor had wanted to speak to me too.

He said my refusal was killing his marriage and I should figure out a way with his wife because if they were together long term she would be around my kids and she might not want to be a grandparent to them if I’m indifferent to her.

AITA?