I (29F) am really disappointed with my husband (30M) and furious at his mother (hag-aged F). Sorry this is so long. And throwaway for privacy.

For context, my husband is from the West Coast, where his mother still lives. He moved to the East Coast for college and that’s were we met (after graduation).

In the start of our relationship, she would visit 3-4 times a year and make him take PTO so he could entertain her throughout her visit. After 2 years of this (while we were still dating) I asked him how we are ever meant to go on a vacation together, if his PTO is spent at home with his visiting mother?

We agreed to save PTO for a trip to Europe we took in 2023 and he agreed to tell his mother he couldn’t take off from work every time she visited.

In my last job, I was able to work from home 4 days a week and every time she visited, she sulked all day like a puppy who’s had her toys taken away. But once my husband came home, a switch flicked and she was happy (and clingy) again.

So here’s the issue now:

Husband and I moved states about 6 months ago, closer to my family. I have a new doctor who recommended me for a surgery that my old doc kept putting off. It’s not a complicated procedure and it will greatly increase my quality of life for decades.

My mother-in-law decided she’s due for a visit and wants to explore our new town and she’d come “to help around the house while [OP] recovers.” I’m going to be out of surgery and in pain and I really don’t want to put up with her energy. However, we agreed, with my husband saying this isn’t a sightseeing visit, she’s here to help out (cook, clean, laundry, etc) so I can rest and recover. She can come for a proper visit later in the year.

My husband dropped me off at the hospital on Wednesday. It was meant to be surgery, then one night overnight at the hospital for observations. On Thursday, the doctor told me my labs were not where he’d like them to be and I should stay another night for observation and new lab work in the morning. I called my husband and told him that I’d hopefully be home the next day over the phone early afternoon. He did not visit on Thursday at all.

On Friday I was discharged and called my husband to tell him that I’d be ready in about an hour. It went straight to voicemail and I figured he’s probably in a meeting and I’ll try again in a little bit. After calling a few times over the course of over an hour, I called my sister, who was lucky enough to be excused from work for the afternoon (many thanks to her understanding boss). She drove 90 minutes to get me and took me home and the house was in shambles. Laundry baskets on the dining room table, the litter box not cleaned since Wednesday morning, days of dirty plates in the sink, etc. I just broke down crying. She packed me a bag and took me to her apartment to recover for two weeks.

On Friday night my husband called me asking me where I am and that the hospital said I was already discharged. He had been on a hike with his mother and there was no cell phone service so he missed my calls, which also meant he took PTO for his mom’s visit again. Obviously, I can’t ban him from taking PTO, but wouldn’t you rather spend that freed up time with your wife at the hospital instead of on a date with your mom?

I told him that I no longer feel comfortable recovering in our house and I won’t be returning until it’s thoroughly cleaned and his mother is gone. He’s calling me the AH because his mother just wanted to get to know our new area and I was wasn’t able to leave the hospital, anyway, and that I was making a big deal out of this. I yelled that he essentially abandoned me at the hospital and entertained someone whose being here was to help make recovery easier, not more stressful, and that she was here for support, not on a vacation.

Maybe it’s just the pain and pain meds, but am I in the wrong here? Is this a stupid hill to die on? There’s a part of me telling me to see a divorce lawyer just to see what my options are because I’m not sure this will ever change. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish, but I want kids but I now don’t see myself having any with my husband in the foreseeable future. And if this isn’t going to work out, I don’t want to spend the next 5 years of wasting time and money on therapy and missing a chance to find someone I actually can start a family with, someone who can be a committed father and husband before he’s a son.

Many thanks to anyone who’s read all of this.