My ex-husband (both 40s) and I share a 16 year old son, 15 year old daughter and a 14 year old son together. We separated when I was pregnant with our 14 year old and we officially divorced when he was 1.

We have a very detailed court ordered parenting and custody agreement that I have always followed to the T. This is to avoid adding conflict to an already higher conflict situation.

For those who’ll ask, my ex-husband’s wife was not the reason we broke up. He did cheat on me during my third pregnancy and this was due to it being a high risk pregnancy where I could not engage in any sexual activity with him. He felt it was a good reason to sleep with others.

I did not. He has always believed I was unfair to him. Yet he did go through a paternity drama with one of the women he slept with during that time. He was proven not to be the father but he expected me to be okay with him having unprotected sex with someone else.

All of this has made it difficult for us to co-parent. It’s why we need everything spelled out and why we communicate via parenting app mostly. Our youngest has a medical issue so texting and calling is sometimes a requirement.

My ex-husband remarried 4 years after our divorce was finalized. From the beginning of their relationship there were issues with his wife and our children. His wife was all over the place with our kids and appeared to take her fertility troubles out on our children by being short and snapping at them or making them feel like a problem in the home. Yet she also wanted them to call her mom and she wanted them to spend more time with her.

There were times we returned to court over the issues in my ex’s home. My ex tried to paint it was me alienating the kids from his wife, but he and his wife got three warnings for the very thing he accused me of. The judge said repeatedly encouraging children to call a person other than their parents mom or dad was suggesting alienation of some kind. The warnings were spaced out enough that no consequences were ever given as a result. My ex and his wife were ordered to take parenting classes several years ago also.

I always encourage my kids to not be cruel to the woman their dad is married to. But they don’t like her and they don’t respect her really. They show her some respect but they don’t actually have any for her. My older son and my daughter have particularly had some encounters with her where they lost respect for her.

They were in therapy for many years because the burden of this woman’s infertility and IVF struggles were shared with them. And done so in a way that was meant to coerce them to give her what she wanted. The therapists were godsends to us during that time.

Last year all three of my children were deemed old enough to decide whether they saw their father 50-50 as they had previously or whether one weekend a month would be the new parenting time split. All three chose to reduce their time to one weekend a month. This was something my ex and his new wife didn’t like and tried to fight but the kids say was given more weight.

My ex and his wife did eventually have two children together. Yesterday they decided to go to Disney with the kids to celebrate Mother’s Day. My ex called and asked me to let our kids come. I gave my kids the choice and they answered never. I already expected that but I didn’t want to deny them the chance if they wanted it. My ex was furious but I ended the second call and ignored further texts from him. Then I got a call from an unknown number around 3pm and it was his wife. She was hysterically crying down the phone about my kids not being there and how they were supposed to be because they’re her kids too. I laughed at her antics and ended the call. I got around a dozen texts in the next two hours and then my ex texted me last night and this morning telling me I was heartless and suggesting I should appreciate his wife loves our kids this much.

My issue was never her being good to them. It was the way she treated them. The hot and cold, the demands and expectations and attempts to guilt-trip them. It’s the way she acted like she had as much of a right to be their mom as I had, and all because at the time she had no kids and had fertility troubles. It’s the way she made my ex’s home hell for my kids. My ex allowing it is not something I’ve forgotten either. But I think it’s crazy to think I should be grateful for any of this.

But maybe I’m being an asshole. So I’ll ask the people of Reddit. AITA?