I 36/F have not spoken to my father since shortly after my mom passed away in early 2024. A bit of background, mom and dad were married 40 plus years.

The last 15ish years of my mom’s life were tough. She got sick and went from being an active, independent woman to being totally dependent- was wheelchair and semi bed bound.

This happened gradually. Doctors never did find out what exactly was wrong. So dad ended up retiring early and was her full time caregiver. My siblings (sister and brother) helped, of course but he was with her 24/7.

Now, their marriage was not perfect and you can say dad was a bit of… a flirt with women. Growing up I’ve seen a few things and heard a few things but being a child… I didn’t know what was happening. Not until I got older and mom shared a bit of details but she still kept it minimal.

Anyway back to why I think I’m the AH. So mom passes, my siblings and I do our best to check in with him, sit with him everyday, make sure he wasn’t alone because we thought- he just lost the love of his life. Well- not the case. Two months later, I was going through my mom’s tablet trying to get pictures of her and pics that family members had sent her and he had started using her tablet for his FB. I seen messages he was sending to another woman, a woman who knew my mom and mom considered a friend, saying things like he misses her and sweet goodnight messages and how he can’t wait to see her. All very much new relationship conversation. He had sent her money and everything. What bothered me was, in 40 years I never ever heard him talk to my mom the way he talked to this lady. It hurt!

So I spoke to my sister about it, after a few weeks bc I didn’t know how or what to do or feel. She ended up seeing more intense messages where they were actually started to plan their future. Talking about buying a home and going on dates.

To make a long story short, we brought it up to him, he said he wasn’t going to make it official with the lady until a year after mom’s passing to be respectful (what!? Ugh) and that it didn’t start as a relationship she was just checking in on him and then it turned into something more. But what really hurt us was that he said he never loved my mom. He said that she got pregnant when they were really young so he had to step up and marry her but he eventually loved her, but never was in love with her. So that was my sister and I last straw. We felt all sorts of disrespect.

And maybe -this is where I might be the AH because I told him he can do what he wants. But I don’t want anything to do with him. We tried to be there for him when mom passed but he was never a parent to us. He never did he ask how we are doing, if we needed to talk about anything or how work was going or anything. Hell, when my mom passed, I called the paramedics, I had to call my brother who was out of town, I had to tell my brother in law, so he can let my sister know, I told my nieces and nephews. Where was his parental instincts. I feel like he was just waiting for my mom to die so he can go be a 304! Maybe that’s my grief talking idk.

I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year, he requested me on Facebook (I deleted him off my friend list when all this happened) and I saw he had a picture with the lady, her kids and grandkids. He doesn’t need us.

So, Am I The AH for not wanting anything to do with him?