My boyfriend (33m) and I (31f) have been dating for seven years. Early on we talked about marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang.

I like kids and I think I’d be a good mother. I’d like to have children but I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have any. I’m happy with my life as is, and I could be happy with children as well. My boyfriend has always dreamed of being a dad, and recently suggested that we’re in the place to start trying for some.

I was a little confused by this. I told him early on, within the first year, that I would never have children with a man that I’m not married to. I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first. Additionally, if a man doesn’t love me and isn’t committed enough to spending the rest of our lives together, I don’t see why I wouldn’t make the sacrifice of bearing his children? Maybe it’s old fashioned of me. I explained all of this to him, once again.

He was awkward, and said he just doesn’t want to get married. He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.

I said that’s fine. We don’t have to get married. I’m happy with our life as is. We just won’t be buying a house together or having children together. We can each buy our own house and live in one, and rent out the other. If we aren’t getting married I don’t want to really entangle our finances in any way.

He blew up at me and said I’m punishing him for not waiting to marry him. I said I’m not, just that having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values.

I also told him that since he’s super against the idea of marriage I am not going to marry him just for a shut up ring, that he only gives me because he wants kids. I want him to actually want to marry me, and if not, that’s okay. Children and marriage are off the table for us. If he wants kids now he needs to leave me and find someone who will have kids for him without expecting any stability in return. And maybe I could find someone who wants to marry me, and maybe or maybe not have kids. I said all of this to him.

He’s been very distressed and emotionally distraught. He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy. He has said that if he doesn’t have kids asap he probably shouldn’t have them at all, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see them into adulthood.